The Movies You Like are Terrible Vol. 1
I’m going to do a favor and tell you why the movies you like are terrible pieces of garbage. There’s no need to be embarrassed. Hollywood is very good at fooling you into thinking what you watched made sense.
Budget: 245 million – featuring cartoonish blue anorexic aliens who speak English with impeccable grammar.
1) The resource they are fighting for is called “unobtainium.” Unobtainium. James Cameron thinks you are too stupid to understand that a mineral can be hard to obtain if it’s called, I don’t know, terramanium. Or some other easy to think of made up word. If you like this movie after hearing that they are fighting over unobtainium, you are a jerk. Stop letting Hollywood treat you like an idiot.
2) Susan Sarandon’s character is introduced as being a huge bitch, but she turns super nice for no reason after a couple scenes and this is never addressed again.
Budget: 160 million – featuring dreams where the bad guys are not monsters or molestation memories, but rather snowmobile-riding, machine-gun toting ninjas.
1) While characters in this brain-porn are involved in an inception type dream, the only way to wake them up is by pushing them backward in a chair into a tub of water. Rolling around in a van as it crashes down a hill does not wake them up. Let’s go over the differences in these scenarios:
|Sudden falling sensation in slow motion?||Yes||Yes|
|Suddenly stopped from falling by being thrust against some surface?||Yes||Yes|
|Essentially the exact same shit happening?||Yes||Yes|
|Person wakes up?||Yes||No|
This movie was marketed as complex. As a result, you do not want to admit this is a plot hole. Instead, you want to believe that falling backward into a tub of water really would wake them up in this altered sci-fi reality, and that being shaken – not stirred – in a van wouldn’t be enough. C’mon, man. Stand up for yourself. Tell Christopher Nolan he’s a jerk.
2) Leo’s entire motivation the whole movie is to reunite with his kids in real life. Not in a dream. At the end of the movie, when he spins his dream-detecting dreidel and then walks off without seeing if it’s a dream or not, it’s a huge middle finger to the audience. It’s one of the sloppiest ambiguous endings ever. The audience doesn’t get to know if it’s a dream or not – what a twist!
WRONG. Who cares? I don’t need to know if it’s a dream. However, after all the events of the movie have transpired as a result of Leo’s desire to be with his kids, why does HE suddenly not care if it’s real or not anymore? He couldn’t watch the top spin for a few more seconds? Did he have to pee or something? He wasn’t even curious? Guess all those machine gun ninja dream bad guys really got to him. Poor guy.
MAN OF STEEL
Budget: 225 million – featuring Russel Crowe riding a pterodactyl on an alien planet where the aliens speak English with British accents.
1) Why did Superman kiss Lois Lane at the end of this movie? Did they even know each other? I’m pretty sure they never had a conversation. This kiss was earned by 100 years of Superman and Lois Lane stories – but it was not earned by the screenplay. Remember when Mary Jane kissed an upside down Spiderman, after he had yearned for her his whole life? That was a great movie kiss. Remember when Superman kissed Lois Lane in Man of Steel? Of course you don’t, you lying sack of dicks! There was nothing earned or real about that kiss.
2) Superman watches his dad get killed by a tornado because he doesn’t want people to know he’s Superman. I guess his logic was that they would all want to kill him, and he wouldn’t be able to defend himself by being Superman. Or flying away. Also, couldn’t he have literally just blown some Superman style air and flown his dad to safety without anyone ever knowing it was him? Also, why was the tornado like 20 feet from everyone else, but only swept away Superman’s adoptive father? Wow, this movie is even shittier than I realized.
NEXT EDITION: Spiderman 3, X-Men: First Class, Dark Knight Rises, Avengers, and King’s Speech