Why I’m Not Excited for Breaking Bad to Return
Unless you’ve been living under a lead rock with your fingers in your ears and duct tape over your eyes and with no phone, tablet computer, casio internet watch, Tamagatchi, or friends on hand, you are no doubt aware that this week’s Annoying Internet Thing is the imminent return of Breaking Bad (On A&E or, depending on your neighborhood, outside your door).
Breaking Bad has actually increased sales of the Bollman Collection 1940’s style pork pie hat – but it hasn’t increased violence or meth use! What are you, some kind of mom?
The glory of Breaking Bad lies in more than just Bryan Cranston’s James-Gandalfinian acting chops, in more than just Skyler’s tacked-on plotlines, in more than the weird-and-disappeared storyline about Marie’s kleptomania .
Breaking Bad was great because Walt kept Breaking Bad, Badder, Baddest; how low could this man go? Once a hero for idiotically becoming a teacher instead of a billionaire, Walt slid into his antihero potty-training pants as comfortably as an old lady into a knitting chair.
An apter analogy there has never been.
SPOILER ALERT: WALT TRIES TO MURDER A KID.
The joy of tuning in each week used to lie in the excitement about what insane downfall Walt would affirmatively chase down. Would he finally drown his wife? Would he finally make fun of his son’s horrifyingly disfiguring disease? Would he finally call Hank a fat piece of shit?
When he poisoned a kid last season, he fell as far as it is possible to go, as far as I’m concerned. There’s nothing worse he can do than attempt to murder a child, whether he succeeds in that endeavor is irrelevant. If he kills his own kid, it’s equivalent; as the old saying goes, “Kill a kid and your soul’s endangered, regardless if the youth is yours or a stranger’s.”
“Please don’t kill me!”
I know what you’re going to argue. You’ll whine that he didn’t KNOW if the kid would die or not. If you seriously think that detail matters, well, kudos to the show for brainwashing you into defending a baby-killer. Walt gives pro-choicers a bad name by trying to perform a 38th trimester abortion, and I am not ok with that, bipartisanship be damned.
Are you excited for Breaking Bad to return? Why or why not? Remember when homework consisted of questions about what you thought of a work of art? Wasn’t that the best?
Here are some beautiful pictures from my trip to my family’s cottage in Whitehall, Montague:
Top row: the view from the balcony. Bottom row: a sunset jogger and the cottage nestled in some beautiful type of tree. A few botanists came out to tell us what type of trees, but were brutally relaxed to death. They leave behind 3 wives, 7 children, and a bag of botany tools. They will be missed.
View from the balcony in widescreen.
Sunset on the beach.
So, in conclusion, Breaking Bad can suck my shit.