Lukshon (is) For Dummies

by whinepairings

Sang Yoon, owner / chef / anal retentive food purist of Father’s Office, is well known for prohibiting any alterations to his universally loved Office Burger. Clearly considering himself patrician rather than plebian, Yoon has seemingly instructed the waitstaff at Father’s Office to berate foolish commoners who dare request ketchup on their burger.

Given these facts, it should not come as a surprise that the staff at Lukshon, Yoon’s latest foray into food despotism, come across as something closer to power-drunk TSA agents gleefully enforcing arbitrary rules rather than helpful waiters hoping to cater to their guests’ every whim.

It is fairly obvious that to become a waiter or waitress at Lukshon, the job interview consists of being given a puppy, raising it, and then murdering it in front of Sang Yoon to prove that the applicant is black of heart enough to serve his paying customers. Much like the Great Wall of China, horrible manners are not built in one day by despots.

The following bullet points all really happened:

  • There to celebrate my friend Grant’s birthday, our group showed up on time for our 8:00 reservation, but we were forced to wait over an hour and fifteen minutes for our table.
  • While waiting, one member of our party asked for a glass of water. He was given a glass the size of a whiskey tumbler and the waitress filled it halfway. Laughing, he asked for a full glass. The waitress’s response? “It is our policy not to fill the glasses all the way.”
  • One of Grant’s friends brought a cake to share for his birthday, but we were instructed that Yoon does not allow “Outside food or balloons.”
  • When I asked if, because we were the last table remaining, and because we were forced to wait so long for our reservation, we could eat the cake anyway, the waitress told me it was not their fault we had to wait.
  • When I said, “You’re right, we apologize, we should not have arrived on time for our reservation, our bad,” the waitress was visibly soul shattered.
  • If, like the antagonist who hits a woman in a Law and Order episode, I had been asked if shattering her soul made me feel like a real man, I would have said, “Yes.”
  • She also reiterated their strict “No balloons” policy with no provocation from us.
  • When I asked for directions to the restroom, the waitress instructed me that they had a strict, “No helpfulness whatsoever policy.”
  • When we tried to pay our bill, the waitress stabbed me in the thigh with a toothpick, spit in my face, and dared me to sue.
  • Upon our arrival at the parking lot, we discovered that various waitstaff from Lukshon had kidnapped our pets, locked them in our cars, and torched them.
  • I now have night terrors wherein waitresses punch me in the testicles while they scream, “No balloons! No balloons!” and their spittle rains down upon my face.

Overall, a pretty great night. Food pics and reviews below.

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Tea leaf salad. Provided gratis for our long wait, our party of 15 was not fully sated by the one lonely shrimp. A scuffle broke out, and the only person willing to fight dirty, bite his friends, and slap them, won the morsel. It was delicious.

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Brussels sprouts with chile garlic vinaigrette and sesame seeds. Charred to perfection, these little diuretic nuggets are worth their weight in gold. Which would have been a more reasonable 4 dollars.

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Spicy chicken pops: A+, if “A” stands for “A waitress was really mean to me while I ate these.”

Pork ribs: A solid D, if “D” stands for, “A much worse grade than ‘A+.'”

Dandan noodles: Their only redeeming quality is that, even though they are presented to look like the Sunday morning contents of a freshman dorm toilet, at least they’re technically spaghetti.

FINAL VERDICT: Depressed people who aren’t seeking a cure and masochists alike should flock to Lukshon immediately for a memorable experience.

D- (on a 3.0 scale); 3 Thumbs Down (out of 2); Four Stars (out of 600)

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